my first post

I am pretty sure that I am going to be the only person reading this blog, but I have decided that writing is good therapy to help me get out all the thoughts that are running through my mind. First, a little background:

I am 38 years old with 2 kids (7 and almost 5). I am married and right now my husband is traveling A LOT! I have my own business (2 actually) that are education related.

I have battled weight my entire life. For as long as I can remember, I thought i was fat. Looking back now, I really did not have as big of a problem as I thought. I really slimmed down in college, mostly to get the attention of the boys, which worked. I looked great. After college, the pounds crept on. I am 5'7" and in college got down to around 145. I was almost too thin. For me, a good weight is somewhere around 165, I was 162 on my wedding day. Today, I am somewhere around 185, but not 100% sure because I am scared to death to go near a scale.

I have done WW, Nutrisystem, and even ordered Phentermine from India from online pharmacies. Each time, I lost weight only to gain it back with a few extra for good measure!

I have 100 reasons as to why I am so heavy right now, but really it just comes down to the fact that I love to eat. I think about eating all the time. I also have a problem with INSTANT gratification...I am hungry, so I will now...whatever is around me!!!! Am I eating to deal with some deep dark emotional problem...maybe?? Who know?? All i know is I do it and then hate my self afterwards.

I am obsessed with being thin! I look at people and think "wow, it must feel good to be able to wear something like that." I even say that about people on TV. I may see a commercial for alergy medicine, but I am thinking "she has kids and is so thin, I wish that were me." It is pathetic!!

It affects how I feel....right now, the last thing I want to do is be social. I am sure that everyone is looking at me thinking...."wow, she has really packed it on this year!!!!!"

I am not comfortable in my own body. For the first time since recouping from child birth, I bend over and can feel my rolls touch. My arm brushes past my waste and I can feel my muffin top. It is so freaking disgusting.

Why cant I do something about it....well, I am hoping that writing this blog will help me figure it out. Even if I am the only one reading it!!